


Five times that might have been the first and one time that might have been the last

by tsuristyle



Category: SMAP
Genre: Crossdressing, Five perfect men in one bed, Keisan Mako-chan, M/M, Marriage Proposal?, Watching Porn Together, the Osaka roadtrip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 07:56:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9063214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuristyle/pseuds/tsuristyle
Summary: Nakai makes a strange noise and almostnotquite shivers under his hands but he presses closer and tangles their legs together and strokes Tsuyoshi's hair out his face with heavy fingers, Tsuyoshi. Tsuyoshi likes that. It's raw and honest and tender and when he was twenty-one he would have hated it but now it's perfect, and he likes it so he tries to mirror it, brushing his fingertips across Nakai's cheek, but he can't decide if it's Nakai-kun or Nakai or Masahiro and then he forgets to decide and buries his other hand in Nakai's hair and kisses him again.(Nakai/Tsuyoshi, five different first times in five different years, plus one. Written April 2014.)





	

_1995_  
  
Shingo's just fallen asleep on the floor of Nakai's hotel room when Tsuyoshi finds a porn channel on the TV.  
  
"Let's race," Nakai says, because he's had just enough to drink that it sounds like a good idea. He leans back against the pillows, fingers slipping over the front of his pants.  
  
Tsuyoshi glances over with a laugh, propping himself up on one elbow. "Yeah? I've had a lotta practice, y'know." Nakai thinks his bandmate probably shouldn't sound quite so proud of himself, but he gets distracted by Tsuyoshi unzipping his jeans and quickly focuses his attention back on the screen. He tugs his pants open and pulls himself out, stroking lazily.  
  
The porn is pretty cheap and stilted, but it doesn't take long for Nakai to get in the mood, and by the sound of it, Tsuyoshi doesn't have any problem either. Nakai peeks over out of the corner of his eye, suddenly curious how the younger man goes about it. Does he let his hand wander, rubbing at the head and playing with his balls, or does he go fast and rough, sprinting for the finish line with a heavy hand?  
  
Tsuyoshi's hand is quick but deliberate, pulling in firm strokes and running his thumb over the head. Nakai unconsciously falls into the same rhythm, glancing up to catch the way his bandmate bites his bottom lip, intent on the TV screen. He really should look away but Tsuyoshi doesn't seem to notice and it feels better than the porn anyway, and Nakai's drunk enough and far enough along that this is all the reason he needs to keep watching.  
  
Tsuyoshi is speeding up now, he must be getting closer with the way his mouth falls open a little and the way his breath is starting to catch and somehow that tiny sound seems more real to Nakai than all the moans coming from the TV. Nakai's getting close too, faster than he thought, faster than some cheap porn should make him, but that doesn't make sense because he's not even watching the porn, he's watching Tsuyoshi and Tsuyoshi's hand and then for an instant he forgets that it's his own hand wrapped around him and then it's good incredibly good too good to stop--  
  
"Guess you won," the younger man laughs, catching his breath and flopping back on the bed. He grabs a tissue to clean himself off, offering the box with a drunken grin.  
  
"Guess so." Nakai manages a shaky laugh, accepting the tissues. Maybe he's just had too much to drink. There's no way it could mean anything, after all. Why would he be attracted to _Tsuyoshi_ , of all people?  
  
~  
  
_1997_  
  
They've gotten as far as the bed, tangled loosely together in growing excitement, when Nakai feels Tsuyoshi hesitate.  
  
"I don't really know how to..." Tsuyoshi looks down in embarrassment.  
  
Nakai bites his lip, stroking the back of Tsuyoshi's neck. He has a pretty good idea of how it goes but it seems awkward and difficult and he's not sure if either of them are ready for that. "Me neither."  
  
Tsuyoshi's fingers trace the seams of Nakai's jeans, like he's appraising the year they were made. "Maybe we could just--"  
  
"Yeah," Nakai says quickly, shifting closer. He presses against Tsuyoshi tentatively, lining their bodies together, and Tsuyoshi's arms tighten around him. Nakai kisses him again, savoring the heat of his mouth and slick roughness of his tongue, and hooks one leg over his bandmate's to close any remaining space between them.  
  
He's not sure who starts it but eventually they're moving in a slow grind, through the friction of denim. It's uncomfortable and not nearly enough at first, but Nakai doesn't have the courage to be the first one to reach down and it doesn't take long for it to get better anyway, and then everything is Tsuyoshi moving against him and their breaths growing fast and uneven and it's over almost embarrassingly fast.  
  
It's not mind-blowing or anything, but afterwards Tsuyoshi lets his head fall to the side and gives Nakai a little smile and Nakai can't help but smile back. Then he gets up to go clean himself off because he's sticky and gross and he's not going to sleep like that no matter how comfortable Tsuyoshi's arms are.  
  
~  
  
_1999_  
  
Mako-chan straddles Tsuyoshi, skirt riding up on her legs, hair falling forward as she braces her hands on his chest. "Tsuyo-chan," she murmurs, looking down with a little smile and not meeting his eyes. "Are you ready?"  
  
Tsuyoshi isn't quite sure how they got from _Do you think Mako-chan is cute_ to _It's okay if it's like this right_ but he's pretty sure he's not supposed to think about it so he nods instead. The lubricant is nearly half-empty, still smeared on their fingers and dribbled across the bedspread, and when Mako-chan lowers herself onto Tsuyoshi it's tight but slick and wet and warm. Tsuyoshi rests his hands on her thighs, his fingers just peeking under the edge of the skirt, and then Mako-chan begins to move, riding him, trying to find a rhythm, breath hitching as she sits back and rolls her hips.  
  
Tsuyoshi draws his knees up, moving with her, stroking her thighs in rising pleasure and watching as she slips one hand down the front of the skirt. She tilts her head back, eyes closing, lips parting open, and then Tsuyoshi braces his feet and goes faster, faster than Mako-chan can manage, and they're both getting close now-- more-- more-- and then Mako-chan jerks, coming with a rolling shudder--  
  
The wig slips loose, and she reaches up to fix it, but only succeeds in tugging it even more askew. With a frustrated noise, she yanks it off entirely-- and then it's Nakai again, Nakai who is straddled on top of him, flushed pink with his hair sticking out at all angles and one hand down his front, looking at Tsuyoshi uncertainly like he's not sure how to calculate this anymore.  
  
Tsuyoshi comes, his hands tight on Nakai's thighs, and wonders, in that sudden moment of perfection, if maybe they don't need any more calculation after all.  
  
~  
  
_2001_  
  
Tsuyoshi lets Nakai kiss him, lets his bandmate's fingers trail down his side and curl just under the hem of his shirt, lets him shift halfway on top of him, lining his chest and hip with heavy warm weight. He's not sure what he's doing. He's fumbled around with Shingo drunkenly before but this is different, this isn't going to dissolve into giggles and playful shoving. This is Nakai kissing him like he's trying to melt into him and undoing the front of his pants and slipping his hand in like maybe he's imagined this enough times to actually have the courage to do it.  
  
Tsuyoshi lifts his knee, turns into the touch. He's not sure what he's doing, but it feels good, like the hairs on the back of Nakai's neck, and right now that's good enough.  
  
Nakai moves faster, more confident, until Tsuyoshi pushes up against him and drops his head back, fingers curling at the base of the older man's neck. His bandmate watches in fascination.  
  
When Tsuyoshi catches his breath, Nakai sits up, looking immensely satisfied even though he's not the one who's just gotten off. "Good?"  
  
Tsuyoshi doesn't know what he's getting into, or why, or what to expect after this, but Nakai seems willing to lead the way, and Tsuyoshi already knows Nakai is a leader he's willing to follow. He nods, and tugs him back down into another kiss.  
  
~  
  
_2003_  
  
There are too many empty glasses on the table to count but enough for Nakai to throw his arms around Tsuyoshi's neck in a way that makes Tsuyoshi think of Mako-chan and enough for Tsuyoshi to lean in and kiss him because he wants to and not because Nakai wants him to. Nakai laughs into his mouth and the room tilts slightly or maybe that was Nakai too because now he's on his back and Nakai is in his arms, he tastes like shochuu and cigarettes and Tsuyoshi pulls his bandmate's shirt off without having to think about it. He looks better that way anyway. Nakai makes a strange noise and almostnotquite shivers under his hands but he presses closer and tangles their legs together and strokes Tsuyoshi's hair out his face with heavy fingers, _Tsuyoshi_. Tsuyoshi likes that. It's raw and honest and tender and when he was twenty-one he would have hated it but now it's perfect, and he likes it so he tries to mirror it, brushing his fingertips across Nakai's cheek, but he can't decide if it's _Nakai-kun_ or _Nakai_ or _Masahiro_ and then he forgets to decide and buries his other hand in Nakai's hair and kisses him again.  
  
There are too many empty glasses on the table to remember who does what but there are fingers tangled clumsily between them and clothing pushed aside, and then Nakai is breathing into his neck and his other hand is tight on Tsuyoshi's arm and Tsuyoshi feels like the room is spinning so he closes his eyes and lets the moment swallow them both. When he opens them again, Nakai's hand is still tight on his arm but his breath is even, slowing in time with Tsuyoshi's pulse. He can't see Nakai's face but he thinks Nakai probably wouldn't want him to, not yet, so instead he disentangles his hand and rests it on Nakai's back and listens to him breathe until the sound fades and there is nothing but warmth left.  
  
~  
  
_2013_  
  
Nakai braces himself on his knees over Tsuyoshi's lap, hands curling on his shoulders, mouth open as Goro prepares him. Tsuyoshi sucks in his breath as Kimura leans in behind him on the futon, slipping a hand around to stroke his erection. "Ready?"  
  
Tsuyoshi nods, biting his lip. Nakai looks down at him, trying to find something to say-- but all the things he wants to say are things he shouldn't say and his voice is too hoarse from alcohol and tears so instead he leans in and hides his face in Tsuyoshi's hair, fingers tracing the nape of his neck, and wonders if Tsuyoshi would want to hear it anyway. Behind the younger man, Kimura brushes his mouth over Nakai's fingertips, over Tsuyoshi's neck, and then he's pushing into Tsuyoshi and Goro is withdrawing his fingers and guiding Nakai onto him and Nakai feels Tsuyoshi's arms wrap around him, clutching him close.  
  
If Nakai had said something years ago, if he'd been honest when Tsuyoshi had been willing to listen-- but this is enough. One last time is more than enough.  
  
"Okay?" Goro murmurs, his hands gentle on Nakai's hips. Nakai lifts his head, shifting, and sucks in a breath as he sinks deeper. Tsuyoshi presses a tiny kiss to his neck. "You're sure you turned all the cameras off, Shingo?"  
  
"Of course." Shingo leans over Goro, nudging him with his knee and angling his phone for a better shot. "Move over, your head's in the way."  
  
Goro leans back against Shingo's thigh, looking up at him. "Oh? So where would you prefer my head be, then?"  
  
"Save it for when we're done," Kimura interrupts. "And quit taking pictures, Shingo, we need you in the middle. You're sure your mouth's big enough?"  
  
"Shingo's mouth is big enough for all of us," Tsuyoshi mutters from somewhere near Nakai's collarbone. Nakai pinches him on the back, trying not to laugh.  
  
Shingo trails his fingers across Goro's shoulders in a quick promise and kneels next to Nakai and Tsuyoshi. "Ready?"  
  
Tsuyoshi loosens his arms and Nakai pulls back a little to give Shingo room. It's a mistake, though, because now he's looking at Tsuyoshi and Tsuyoshi is looking at him and it's so easy to forget this isn't something between them, this is just a group thing, just quick gratification after a long, strange day--  
  
Shingo bats both of them on the head. "Just kiss each other already, you idiots."  
  
Tsuyoshi blushes-- how can he be blushing when they're already like _this_?-- and then his fingers gently trace up Nakai's back and he's looking at Nakai's lips and Nakai doesn't wait for any further invitation. He leans forward to meet Tsuyoshi's mouth, it's been years but he's always remembered much too clearly what it was like to kiss Tsuyoshi, the press of his lips and the way his tongue moved and the way he seemed to wake up from his hesitation like a waterfall tumbling forward, threatening to overwhelm Nakai in all its sudden reality.  
  
Shingo's hair brushes Nakai's stomach as he slips between them. "Ready," he says, his breath hot on their erections. Kimura grips Tsuyoshi's shoulders and starts to move; Goro does the same a moment later, one hand sliding around to spread on Nakai's stomach, and then Nakai sucks in a breath against Tsuyoshi's lips because Shingo's mouth is wrapped around them tight and wet and together and it's almost too much to take. Why was he so stupid back then? Why did he let go? If only he'd held on instead of pushing Tsuyoshi away, then maybe this wouldn't be the last time they kissed, the last time they fucked, the last time he held Tsuyoshi in his arms--  
  
"Hey," Tsuyoshi pants, pressing their foreheads against each other. "I'm right here." He finds Nakai's hand and holds it tightly, twining their fingers together.  
  
\--and Nakai looks at him, really looks at him instead of all the years of missed opportunities, and realizes that maybe it's not too late for a second chance after all.  
  
"Tsuyoshi," he whispers. Tsuyoshi smiles at him, that smile he thought he'd lost years ago, and they clutch each other tight because they're too close for words now and their bandmates are breathing hard and it's like a chain reaction when it happens, _Tsuyoshi-Nakai-Goro-Kimura_ , and when the room falls back into place Shingo lifts his head with a grin that's obscene in more ways than one.  
  
"About time you two figured it out," he says, eyeing their joined hands. "Where's my camera?"  
  
Goro gently pulls himself out and reaches over to wipe the corner of Shingo's mouth. "First things first." He licks his fingers, arching a suggestive eyebrow.  
  
Kimura drops one last kiss on Tsuyoshi's back, where Nakai's fingers are still curled tight, and pulls out. "Can't leave a bandmate in need, can we?" He tugs Shingo onto his back, smirking as Goro deftly unties the younger man's yukata, and leans down to kiss him from above.  
  
Nakai collapses against Tsuyoshi, sending them both sprawling onto the futon. Tsuyoshi laughs and wraps his free arm around him comfortably. "Missed you."  
  
"I missed _you_." Nakai props himself up to gaze at Tsuyoshi-- he has nothing to hide now, because this time he wants everything Tsuyoshi will give him and for that he'll give back everything he can. "I'm in love with you and I want to be with you and I'd marry you if I could."  
  
Tsuyoshi raises his eyebrows, for a moment speechless. Then his eyes crease, like there's more laughter bubbling up inside him than he knows what to do with. "I thought you couldn't stand to live with anyone."  
  
"Yeah," Nakai draws their linked hands up where they can see them. "You'll have to move in next door."  
  
"Okay," Tsuyoshi agrees, and pulls him down for another kiss.  
  
They're interrupted by a long moan from Shingo, and Kimura breaks away to stare at them. "Did you seriously just _propose_ to him?"  
  
Nakai grins. "You can be the best man if you want."  
  
"I'll be the best maid," Shingo volunteers cheerfully, smoothing down Goro's tangled hair and reaching for his phone. "And Goro can be the shockingly uncelibate priest."  
  
Goro lifts his head, wiping his mouth. "Can we come here again for the honeymoon?"  
  
Nakai looks down at Tsuyoshi again; his bandmate is smiling at him softly, exhaustion and afterglow and sheer contentment tugging him towards sleep. It's not the first time he's seen that smile; the first time was a long time ago, before either of them really knew what it meant.  
  
He smiles back, and rests his head on Tsuyoshi's chest. He understands now. It's not the first time he's seen that smile, but this time, he's sure that it won't be the last time.


End file.
